Need. Sleep. And a glass of wine.

The past few nights, I've woken up around 2:30am unbelievably anxious with this immense sensation of being incredibly overwhelmed. I'm already prone to anxiety - it's been pretty good for the past year and a half or so, but I feel it starting to take over my life again. It's like a panic attack in the middle of the night, for no reason whatsoever. I mean, sure.. my to do list seems to be ever expanding and I also volunteered to organize and plan brideslady M's bachelorette party coming up in two weeks.. but in my waking hours, I feel in control. Once I go to bed, it seems to be a whole different story.

The closer the wedding gets, the more I've realized I have to do. It's all stuff that I just sort of assumed would get done at some point, stuff that had to wait until closer to the wedding (think: programs, rehearsal dinner invites, favors, etc). Now that certain details have been settled on and I can actually get started on these things, I'm getting that overwhelmed sensation and I start panicking, especially at night when I'm in bed and have all these thoughts running through my mind.

Of course, money plays a part in all of this as well. Our original budget was for 110 people, but it looks we'll be closer to 130. There's at least a couple hundred. The due date for the remainder due for our photog, DJ, flowers, and cake is coming up in May. There's a couple thousand. Up until last I week I completely forgot that I'm getting my hair and nails done and paying for part of the girls hair, so there's another couple hundred. I still need things for our favors, the guestbook, reception decor, ceremony decor, etcetera. Omigod I'm panicking.

::Deep breath::

This is exactly why I have this tattooed on my forearm.

Photo by Ellen Silverman

Quick aside: my mom loves this tattoo so much that she made her wedding photog get about a dozen pictures of it with my flowers. She also keeps saying that she should have paid for it and written it off on her taxes because she thinks about it and my tattoo so frequently when it comes to work. I mean.. I'll take the money, mom. ;)


Anyway. Yes. I'm overwhelmed by it all. And I thank the heavens for days like today when I have a big chunk of time between clients at work so I can get some stuff done (and.. you know.. blog).

My current state of stress has also made me reconsider some of the projects and things on my to do list that are half done or still need to be done. Take our favors, for example - I know I haven't posted about them yet, but let's just say they were originally going to involve a lot more DIY than they actually will. Then there's the photobooth.. oh, I didn't tell you I want am dying for one of those? Since it wasn't in the budget, I had high hopes of doing a DIY one a la many bees before me, but I really don't see that getting done in the next few months. So that's probably out. And as for the videography thing.. I'm pretty sure we're just going to have someone record the ceremony and the parts of the reception that we want. Foxy got a nice new HD video camera not too long ago, and we're pretty sure we can make that work. It's cool, I'm over it. It's less money and another less vendor I need to deal with at this point.

I realize some of this sounds like I'm giving up on things, but I promise that's not the case. I just don't want to take so much on that nothing gets done right, you know? I'm pretty much forbidden by Foxy to add on any new projects, which is fair. I have more than enough on my plate right now. I know it's gotten bad when I need to make a list of the lists I need to make. True story.

On the flip side, I getting ants in my pants excited that we only have about three months left. I'm.. overwhelmingly excited? Excitedly overwhelmed? Something like that. The thing is, I just want to make the most of everything, because I love being engaged and I love planning our wedding, and I won't ever have this time in my life again. It's a whole bunch of mixed emotions rolled into one. I'm handling it the best I can, but I would really appreciate it if I could not wake up at 2:30am for two hours  anymore. Le sigh.

How did you/are you feeling three months out from your wedding? Did you have a mini freakout like I did(/currently am)?