Digging Deep

I have to admit that I kind of love reading fellow Bee's posts about Precana (aka pre-wedding marriage counseling). I love how much of a variety there is - from a weekend "crash course" to several weekly sessions over a month or two to miscellaneous homework assignments. I always knew that I wanted to do something similar with Foxy in the months leading up to our own wedding; when we were still planning to be married by a pastor, it was mandatory. Once we changed paths and decided to go with a more secular approach, we still knew we wanted to do some form of pre-marriage counseling with an outside source. We needed to, actually.

I touched lightly upon our first week at couples therapy back in December, and I wanted to share just a bit more about it. We have been going pretty consistently for about 3 months now (at three to four times a month) and have really grown and learned so much more about each other in that short amount of time. Sure, we already knew the ins and outs of the other one (being together for 5 years will do that), but it desperately needed to be finessed.

I won't lie: Foxy and I ran into a pretty big hurdle in our relationship about a year ago now. It was something that really tested us, something that almost tore us apart. In the end, once we each got over the initial shock, anger, confusion of it all.. we decided that we were better than that. That we were too good to just give up on. That what we had was worth fighting for and worth fixing. It all boiled down to a lack of communication, which we were able to pinpoint after several days of talking, arguing, analyzing. We needed help to get past it, to help mend things, to help understand each other more and prevent it from happening in the future.

A good friend referred us to our counselor, Jack, who has quickly become one of my most favorite people in the world. We came to him with the request of couples counseling mixed with pre-marriage counseling, and he was more than happy to oblige. While we've definitely been dealing mostly with the counseling portion of it and are just now starting to broach the actual marriage part, I can already say that we've learned so much and have come so far. We all know that communication is key in any relationship, but I found that there is always room to improve that. At least for us, anyway. And there's no right or wrong.. there's just you and your partner. There's the mutual understanding and willingness to grow and take in each other's thoughts, feelings, emotions. There's an acceptance that you're different, an acceptance that you're both ridiculously stubborn, an acceptance that it can indeed work even if it gets tricky sometimes.

I never once doubted mine and Foxy's relationship. Even at its rockiest points - of which there have been a few - I still believed in us, and so did he. Yet, even with that in mind, talking and opening up to Jack has really been an eye opener for both of us. You think you can handle it all yourself and that you don't need "help", but sometimes that third party can really put things into perspective. Sometimes you don't realize what's right in front of you until someone else points it out. And, most importantly, you truly realize that you and your partner are forever changing, both personally and with each other.

I won't say Foxy and I are "fixed" because I don't believe we were every truly broken, but we're definitely better off now than we were four months ago. We're also going to continue seeing Jack right up until the wedding, and likely after that as well (albeit not three to four times a month anymore). As I mentioned earlier, while we felt we needed to see someone to help us with our particular situation, we still had intentions of going to couples therapy regardless. Even if we never had a specific reason to go other than for pre-marriage counseling, I know we still would have learned just as much about each other, ourselves, and our communication habits. It's a never ending journey, for sure.

And so, in the end, I definitely want to encourage you all to go to some form of pre-marriage counseling, Precana, whatever you want to call it, even if it's not required. If I thought Foxy and I were good before, we're platinum now. Sure, we'll need to be touched up and polished every now and again, but don't most things take a bit of maintenance to stay shiny? I sure think so.

Have you ever had a big hurdle in your relationship that you needed to overcome? Regardless of that, have you or will you do some sort of pre-marriage counseling?