Grandpa N and my dad circa 2009
Since his diagnosis several years back, he's had his fair share of ups and downs with the disease. The doctor's originally didn't think he would live past 80, much less his ultimate age of 85. He was a man of great faith and conviction, someone who did what he loved and stayed true to himself up until his last few days. I've seen him sporadically throughout my life, but him living in Idaho made it hard for me to get to know him as well as I would have liked. That doesn't change the fact that his passing has had a rather deep emotional effect on me, both for obvious reasons as well as the fact that our wedding is just a few days away.
Emotions are high. Family is stressed. We are mourning while we are preparing to celebrate.
It turns out that my dad and I have been taking the same approach to dealing with everything for the time being, and that is to stay busy. I'm not only saddened by the loss of my grandpa, but also saddened for my dad - I know he was close with Grandpa N, and his mom also passed away just a few years back. Both passings were "expected", so to speak.. but regardless, you're never really ready. How can you be? My dad seems to be holding up ok, but I still worry.
Me with my Nana Sharon, dad, Grandpa N, and Uncle Bill circa 1990ish
When speaking with him the other day, he and my stepmom mentioned a few things that my Nana Sharon (Grandpa N's second wife) has shared in regards to Grandpa N. Before he died, he apparently made it very clear that the get well card I made him a while back (over 10 years ago, I think?) be displayed at his funeral. He was also trying his hardest to survive at least past my wedding, in part so he could see pictures and hear about it, but also in part to not "overshadow" anything around this time in my life.
His requested mementos - my card in the middle.
Hearing that is when I lost it. I may not have known him as well as we both would have liked, but I love him and would have loved for him to experience mine and Foxy's wedding in whatever capacity he could have. Unfortunately, it will need to be in spirit only. And up until his last day, he was caring more about others than himself.
To add to it, we won't be able to attend his funeral/memorial service, slated for next Thursday, seeing as we will be in Mexico. We will of course be honoring him during our wedding ceremony, though, especially since it's Father's Day weekend. It's going to be a rough week - heck, it already has been and it just started - but we'll all just have to take it day by day.
On a side note: I realize that I may be one of the few people who have had the fortune of both having and knowing all four of my grandparents for much of my life thus far. However, over the past four years, the number of surviving grandparents has decreased from four to one (or five to two, if you count my Nana Sharon). While it's wonderful to have had each of them play such a prominent role in my life, it's definitely been getting hard to see them each fade away. My Grammy J (mom's mom) passed away around this time last year, and my Grandma C (dad's mom) a few years before that. My Grampy J (mom's dad) is suffering from a worsening case of Alzheimer's, and I am already not looking forward to how he'll fare over the next few months or years. It's all a part of life, sure.. but it's a really shitty part.
Do you or did you know all of your grandparents? Did you experience a loss right very close your wedding? How did you cope?
2 comments:
Thinking of you during this difficult time my friend <3
I'm so sorry for your loss Steph. Much love to you and your family!
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