Officially officiant official

Tip of the day: never say any of those words too much. It gets you all tongue tied and doubting the sanity of the English language.

If you recall, a few months ago I got my hopes up about a family friend (Pastor Tom) officiating our ceremony and was super bummed out when he said that he couldn't do the wedding or even come at all due to a different wedding he will be officiating on the same day. I'm still pretty sad about it, because I know he would have been great and I've known him my whole life - it's only natural that I'd at least want him to be present in some form to celebrate mine and Scot's special day.

So anyway, I didn't have a back up plan because I thought that wedding planning was all sunshine and rainbows and everything would just magically happen. (Or.. I'm just an idiot.) I talked with my (pastor) mom about the situation to see if she had any further insight or suggestions on other pastors who would be willing to officiate a fairly secular wedding, and she immediately suggested her good friend, Liz.

She and Mama S have been friends since they were in elementary school and just happened to follow along a similar life path - both started out in the arts, moved onto theology, and are now pastors in the NYC area. Liz also happened to help officiate and preside over my mom's second wedding last year (just like Pastor Tom!)

Liz and Mama S.. doesn't she make a beautiful bride?!

I was sold. I've met Liz a bunch of times previously and was stoked about the possibility of her officiating - a pastor residing in the Chelsea, NYC area who is similar to my mom? She'd have to be ok with marrying a "spiritual" Lutheran and atheist.. right?

Mama S did the (relatively easy but much appreciated) work of asking Liz if she'd be able and willing to officiate, and procured the magical answer of YES!  I thus emailed her within a few days to double check that all was good and she was indeed open to working with Scot and I on a personalized, unique ceremony. The response I got was as follows:

Hi Steph, I'll be happy to officiate at your wedding, and would like to talk with both of you about it on the phone.  We will also need to find some times to meet in person, but given that we have ten months before the wedding, that should be easy to arrange. Your mom did mention that Scot is an atheist, and that you want to keep the God language to a minimum.  I will ask you to reflect on what marriage means to you and why, in that case, you want a clergyperson to  perform the ceremony rather than someone completely secular like a justice of the peace.   I feel pretty sure  that we can arrive at language that works for the two of you and also has integrity for me, and I am really glad  for the two of you to help write the ceremony- personal is great. Even though I haven't seen a lot of you over the years, your mom and I have been friends a long time and I have  always felt that I know you.  I am really delighted to be able to be a part of your wedding in this way. Liz

I have to tell you, I was a bit thrown off about the question she posed of why I/we wanted a clergyperson to officiate rather than a justice of the peace. My initial reaction was that it was to please my parents and other family, but I knew this wasn't the real or only reason (but it definitely factored into the equation). I thought long and hard about it, and finally emailed back almost a month later. (What can I say? I need my time.)

Liz - Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you - life has been pretty hectic for us, as well! We just moved into  a new house the other weekend and have been in the process of packing and unpacking for a while now. I've been thinking a lot about your question as to why we would rather have a pastor instead of a justice of the  peace - it's partially a difficult answer, and partially a simple one. While we are aiming to keep the ceremony  relatively secular, I still really want part of my upbringing and my family's Lutheran values represented in some  form. We're trying our best to blend my belief's and Scot's into something that represents us each individually  as well as together, and this was the best solution that we came up with. I haven't looked too much into  "typical" ceremony texts and formats just yet, so I am honestly not sure when and where God is/would be  mentioned. I think the most important thing is that we leave it out of the vows, since our marriage is more  about our union and our promise and love to each other rather than it is a religious rite/sacrament. I hope this answers the question and is something that we can work out! Thanks! Steph

I think this summed it up pretty well; I was definitely nervous hitting "send" though. Would that be an "ok" answer? Was her question a lot more loaded than I thought it was? Am I just making up nonsense in my head? Is she silently judging us for not being all that religious?

Her rather quick reply was as follows:

Hi Steph, Actually, the traditional language of the vows, at least in the Episcopal church, doesn't mention God.  The  language for giving the rings does, but it is really easy to drop it.  I understand your desire to craft a ceremony  that reflects both your background and values and Scot's beliefs, and I'm very happy to work with you on that.  As we're working on the ceremony, the question will probably come up again, but not because I think there is  only one right answer and certainly not because I want to push the God language- rather, because it's important  to see how it really can reflect you both individually and together. I hope your unpacking is finished soon and you're feeling settled in to your new place! Liz

From the way the conversation has been going thus far, I think Scot and I are ok with everything and that having Liz officiate will indeed work out. Some people may wonder why I'm putting myself through all of this "trouble" with a clergyperson as opposed to the aforementioned justice of the peace, but it really is worth it to me. If I didn't have some form of my upbringing or values represented on my wedding day, I'm sure I would regret it in the future. It's all about compromise, especially when you and your fiancé come from differing beliefs and backgrounds. This is our compromise, and as long as everything goes smoothly with our ceremony plans, ideas, and future chats with Liz? I'd say it's a go... and that we officially have an officiant!

Did you have to find a compromise of some sort when it came to the wedding ceremony? Was it hard to find an officiant who would work with you?

PS. So sorry about the likely funky formatting - Blogger was clearly NOT cooperating.