Our officant: from none to 1 (to another one)

A while back, I mentioned how our initial choice in officiant, Pastor Tom, didn't work out because he already had another wedding scheduled. He was an ideal choice for several reasons - I've known him and his family since I was a baby, he's a Lutheran pastor, he has a great sense of humor, he did my mom's wedding last year, etc - but alas, it was not meant to be.

I briefly panicked until my mom mentioned that her lifelong friend, Pastor Liz, could be another viable officiant candidate. While I don't know her nearly as well as Pastor Tom, I was open to asking her to do our ceremony - at the time, having a pastor (who was willing to go light on or completely forgo the God speak) was important to me. Well, I thought it was. There was definitely a bit of fuzz between what I wanted and what I thought I wanted because of what I thought my parents wanted. Figure that one out, Sherlock.

So Pastor Liz and I emailed back and forth a bunch, she said she would be open to officiating the ceremony, and we even had a phone call (while Foxy was at work) that kick-started my mind to think about what I/we truly wanted our ceremony to be and what it would ultimately entail. While this was all very helpful and seemed to fit all my previous requirements, something still didn't feel right. I thought I wanted a pastor, but.. maybe I didn't? Maybe a Justice of the Peace would be just fine.. better, even.

To save you time (and because I like lists), here's.. a list.

Pros (of using Pastor Liz):

She's a pastor, something I thought I wanted.

She was willing to work with us on creating a ceremony that was perfect for us, while still maintaining spiritual integrity for her.

She knows me (albeit not all that well.. but still).

I loved the job she did presiding over my mom's wedding last year.

Cons (same category):

...maybe I don't really want a pastor.

She lives in NY, and wanted us to travel up several times to meet with her in person (which is incredibly hard for us to do because of varying work schedules).

The cost kept creeping up.. between her fee, plus her travel, plus her hotel.. it adds up fast.

Foxy has since expressed his discomfort with any God speak in the ceremony. Ok with me, likely not for Pastor Liz.

A lot of these thoughts had been circling in my head for the past few weeks. Conveniently enough, I ended up having a heart to heart phone conversation with my mom the other day, where she randomly "put out there" that it's ok if Foxy and I decide not to use Pastor Liz, even if we've already started talking with her. Honestly..? I didn't realize that. Just hearing her say that sent a wave of relief over my body and mind that I didn't know I needed. At that moment, I knew what I wanted. And it wasn't Pastor Liz.

I relayed all this information to Foxy, we chatted about it for a bit, then decided we would cancel with Pastor Liz (cancel sounds way better than "fire", don't you think?), especially since we had someone in mind to fill in. Not quite a Justice of the Peace, but definitely someone certified in marrying couples. You may recognize her.

That would be miss EAQ219 (no, not our crazy pup.. although that would be awesome)! Miss E and her hubs have become super great friends of Foxy and I, and seeing that she is already in the wedding biz and has some experience in marrying couples.. well, we couldn't think of someone better to ask. She knows both of us, she's sassy and can be a bossyboots if need be (think: rehearsal), she has a spunky sense of humor, and the list goes on. Once we asked her to officiate (and heard her ultimate YES), I had a huge sense of.. well, I'm not sure. Happiness? Relief? Sudden urge to plan my entire ceremony right.this.instant because I was so excited? You get the idea.

So no, E isn't a pastor, but apparently these past few months have brought about a change of mind in terms of what we (I) value in our officiant. And while we aren't using Pastor Liz anymore, she definitely got the ball rolling. I started thinking about my ceremony vision and realized that it would both mean more and be more appropriate if we had a friend do it. And so it shall be!

Did you have any officiant "drama" leading up to the wedding? How did you ultimately decide who to have officiate?

Officially officiant official

Tip of the day: never say any of those words too much. It gets you all tongue tied and doubting the sanity of the English language.

If you recall, a few months ago I got my hopes up about a family friend (Pastor Tom) officiating our ceremony and was super bummed out when he said that he couldn't do the wedding or even come at all due to a different wedding he will be officiating on the same day. I'm still pretty sad about it, because I know he would have been great and I've known him my whole life - it's only natural that I'd at least want him to be present in some form to celebrate mine and Scot's special day.

So anyway, I didn't have a back up plan because I thought that wedding planning was all sunshine and rainbows and everything would just magically happen. (Or.. I'm just an idiot.) I talked with my (pastor) mom about the situation to see if she had any further insight or suggestions on other pastors who would be willing to officiate a fairly secular wedding, and she immediately suggested her good friend, Liz.

She and Mama S have been friends since they were in elementary school and just happened to follow along a similar life path - both started out in the arts, moved onto theology, and are now pastors in the NYC area. Liz also happened to help officiate and preside over my mom's second wedding last year (just like Pastor Tom!)

Liz and Mama S.. doesn't she make a beautiful bride?!

I was sold. I've met Liz a bunch of times previously and was stoked about the possibility of her officiating - a pastor residing in the Chelsea, NYC area who is similar to my mom? She'd have to be ok with marrying a "spiritual" Lutheran and atheist.. right?

Mama S did the (relatively easy but much appreciated) work of asking Liz if she'd be able and willing to officiate, and procured the magical answer of YES!  I thus emailed her within a few days to double check that all was good and she was indeed open to working with Scot and I on a personalized, unique ceremony. The response I got was as follows:

Hi Steph, I'll be happy to officiate at your wedding, and would like to talk with both of you about it on the phone.  We will also need to find some times to meet in person, but given that we have ten months before the wedding, that should be easy to arrange. Your mom did mention that Scot is an atheist, and that you want to keep the God language to a minimum.  I will ask you to reflect on what marriage means to you and why, in that case, you want a clergyperson to  perform the ceremony rather than someone completely secular like a justice of the peace.   I feel pretty sure  that we can arrive at language that works for the two of you and also has integrity for me, and I am really glad  for the two of you to help write the ceremony- personal is great. Even though I haven't seen a lot of you over the years, your mom and I have been friends a long time and I have  always felt that I know you.  I am really delighted to be able to be a part of your wedding in this way. Liz

I have to tell you, I was a bit thrown off about the question she posed of why I/we wanted a clergyperson to officiate rather than a justice of the peace. My initial reaction was that it was to please my parents and other family, but I knew this wasn't the real or only reason (but it definitely factored into the equation). I thought long and hard about it, and finally emailed back almost a month later. (What can I say? I need my time.)

Liz - Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you - life has been pretty hectic for us, as well! We just moved into  a new house the other weekend and have been in the process of packing and unpacking for a while now. I've been thinking a lot about your question as to why we would rather have a pastor instead of a justice of the  peace - it's partially a difficult answer, and partially a simple one. While we are aiming to keep the ceremony  relatively secular, I still really want part of my upbringing and my family's Lutheran values represented in some  form. We're trying our best to blend my belief's and Scot's into something that represents us each individually  as well as together, and this was the best solution that we came up with. I haven't looked too much into  "typical" ceremony texts and formats just yet, so I am honestly not sure when and where God is/would be  mentioned. I think the most important thing is that we leave it out of the vows, since our marriage is more  about our union and our promise and love to each other rather than it is a religious rite/sacrament. I hope this answers the question and is something that we can work out! Thanks! Steph

I think this summed it up pretty well; I was definitely nervous hitting "send" though. Would that be an "ok" answer? Was her question a lot more loaded than I thought it was? Am I just making up nonsense in my head? Is she silently judging us for not being all that religious?

Her rather quick reply was as follows:

Hi Steph, Actually, the traditional language of the vows, at least in the Episcopal church, doesn't mention God.  The  language for giving the rings does, but it is really easy to drop it.  I understand your desire to craft a ceremony  that reflects both your background and values and Scot's beliefs, and I'm very happy to work with you on that.  As we're working on the ceremony, the question will probably come up again, but not because I think there is  only one right answer and certainly not because I want to push the God language- rather, because it's important  to see how it really can reflect you both individually and together. I hope your unpacking is finished soon and you're feeling settled in to your new place! Liz

From the way the conversation has been going thus far, I think Scot and I are ok with everything and that having Liz officiate will indeed work out. Some people may wonder why I'm putting myself through all of this "trouble" with a clergyperson as opposed to the aforementioned justice of the peace, but it really is worth it to me. If I didn't have some form of my upbringing or values represented on my wedding day, I'm sure I would regret it in the future. It's all about compromise, especially when you and your fiancé come from differing beliefs and backgrounds. This is our compromise, and as long as everything goes smoothly with our ceremony plans, ideas, and future chats with Liz? I'd say it's a go... and that we officially have an officiant!

Did you have to find a compromise of some sort when it came to the wedding ceremony? Was it hard to find an officiant who would work with you?

PS. So sorry about the likely funky formatting - Blogger was clearly NOT cooperating.

Not so official.

As of early September, we still didn't have an officiant. I know I should have gotten on this sooner, but with all the time I've had to plan, I got so used to putting things on the back burner wedding-wise that I just kind of.. let it go.

A little back story, first:

Both of my parents and my paternal grandfather are Lutheran pastors. One of the many questions I frequently get asked regarding the wedding is if I'm going to have my mom and/or dad officiate our wedding ceremony. From the get-go, my answer has always been a resounding HECK NO.

First off, the parentals are divorced and asking both of them do it would be dumb. Second, the parentals are divorced and asking just one of them to do it would be dumb. Third, and most importantly, I want my parents to actually enjoy the wedding, not work during it!

That being said, I still had a plethora of options. Having two pastor parents leads to a lot of pastor friends. Foxy Mama suggested a while back that we contact my godparents (also pastors) to do the ceremony, which was a good idea initially. The more I thought about it, however, the more I realized that I don't really know my godparents (I've met them but have no recollection of it, to be honest), and I don't know if they'd be ok with the kind of ceremony Mr. Foxy and I would like to have. I also think just one pastor would be fine. Seeing as I currently consider myself more spiritual than religious and Foxy is an atheist, we cannot and will not have a fully religious ceremony. Ideally, we will have a Lutheran pastor (for me) who will allow us to write most of the ceremony ourselves and be ok with keeping the God-speak on the light side (for Foxy and I both).

Enter long time family friend, Pastor Tom. My family and Tom's family have been friends since before I was born, and I grew up playing with his two kids, one of whom is just 6 months younger than I am. Tom happened to help officiate and preside over my mom's recent second wedding and did a fantastic job of keeping the homily both personal and lighthearted - two things high on my priority list for a wedding ceremony.

Pastor Tom is on the right

So the decision was to ask Tom if he would like to officiate for Foxy and I as well. I emailed him about two months ago and never heard back; I got concerned initially because all those silly wedding checklists are telling me I should have this one in the bag already. I sent a follow-up email a few weeks later and learned that he never got the original email, and also that he would love to do the wedding.

Super cool, right? So I was all excited, relayed my excitement to Foxy, and went to check this one off the list when I get a sweet but apologetic email from Tom saying that he didn't realize that he already has a wedding that day for a couple very active in his church.

Nothing says sad quite like an LOLcat.

Naturally, I did not have a second option at the time. Hive, you probably already know this but please listen up: lesson number 22 in wedding planning? Maybe get an officiant before you set everything else in stone, especially if you have a particular person in mind.

And so, the search continued!